got this,” he says, reassuring himself. “You had a great day. You got a free hat.” He pulls the hat from his head and puts it beside the letter. “Danny gave you a free latte -- it was fucking delicious.” He lets himself smile, pulling the scrap of paper from his pocket and placing it on the hat. He thinks about the young schoolboy, about the impression he seemed to instill in him, about their unspoken friendship wrought from a likeness they shared between them. He quiets his mind, opening his senses again to listen. Amidst the clamor of post-noon activity in the city, the dings of trucks backing up, the never ending clack of compression drills and the men shouting, amidst all of this he hears one shrill bird chirping outside his window. And again, it shrills again. His mind slows. He picks up the letter and opens it.
Dear Ryan:
You have been in my thoughts. I
am thinking of you. Please, call me if
you ever need anything. Raja (her cat)
says hi. I look forward to talking
to you or seeing you again
sometime, when you are feeling better.
Take Care....
You have been in my thoughts. I
am thinking of you. Please, call me if
you ever need anything. Raja (her cat)
says hi. I look forward to talking
to you or seeing you again
sometime, when you are feeling better.
Take Care....
“Need anything? Need anything!? She knows exactly what you need and it’s h--”
“Stop,” he says. “Stop dammit! Just stop.” He sets the letter back down next to the hat. He moves to his bed while he feels the tears form again. He doesn’t take the time to undress, doesn’t kick off his shoes, he just collapses and lies down paralyzed.
The shadow lays into him, recounting his rejections, reminding him where he went wrong, with a voice that scrapes its teeth against his heart. Then, something happens. He hears another voice. It is a voice he has heard before, but it was meek then and he could hardly listen. This time he hears it bold and it presses the shadow’s voice under, replacing it.
“Ryan,” it starts, “you are an incredible person. Everything you have done has been with good intentions. You are kind, Ryan. You are one of the most compassionate people I know, and I am sorry, so sorry, that things haven’t gone the way you want. It’s not your fault. It’s not. And you make me proud when you respect what others ask of you. You have these incredible goals and this incredible mind. You’ve already done many great things, things that people admire you for. Truly and deeply, they admire you. You’ve also been through a lot, I know, and it’s okay that nobody else will ever really know. They are your experiences, yours alone, and they have made you strong. Stay strong, Ryan. You are not unlike most people. You've a damn good chance at becoming a hero.”
During the course of this dialogue his body relaxes. The tears flow but they are not forced, they are soothing tears and their feeling pervades his whole body. He gets up slowly and opens again to the world.
“Stop,” he says. “Stop dammit! Just stop.” He sets the letter back down next to the hat. He moves to his bed while he feels the tears form again. He doesn’t take the time to undress, doesn’t kick off his shoes, he just collapses and lies down paralyzed.
The shadow lays into him, recounting his rejections, reminding him where he went wrong, with a voice that scrapes its teeth against his heart. Then, something happens. He hears another voice. It is a voice he has heard before, but it was meek then and he could hardly listen. This time he hears it bold and it presses the shadow’s voice under, replacing it.
“Ryan,” it starts, “you are an incredible person. Everything you have done has been with good intentions. You are kind, Ryan. You are one of the most compassionate people I know, and I am sorry, so sorry, that things haven’t gone the way you want. It’s not your fault. It’s not. And you make me proud when you respect what others ask of you. You have these incredible goals and this incredible mind. You’ve already done many great things, things that people admire you for. Truly and deeply, they admire you. You’ve also been through a lot, I know, and it’s okay that nobody else will ever really know. They are your experiences, yours alone, and they have made you strong. Stay strong, Ryan. You are not unlike most people. You've a damn good chance at becoming a hero.”
During the course of this dialogue his body relaxes. The tears flow but they are not forced, they are soothing tears and their feeling pervades his whole body. He gets up slowly and opens again to the world.